• The Cynic

5 Foods Any Jerk Will Absolutely Love

Whether you try and steer clear of them or not, you’ll eventually come across some jerks in your life that you can't help but love.

Sure, they have some undesirable traits, but they mean well and have a good heart. That heart is just covered in “Jerk”, unfortunately.

You know the types I’m talking about…

They always seem to…

· Arrive late to group dinners.

· Disappear when it’s their round of drinks.

· Choose a random Tinder date over quality friend time.

· Have a dead battery whenever it’s time to order an Uber.

The kind of jerkiness that doesn’t necessarily warrant de-friending them. But might just warrant a little reminder that they are indeed jerks.

So what better way to say “I love You Ya Big Ol’ Jerk” than some jerk-friendly snacks.

1. Jerk Chicken

The granddaddy of all Jerk foods, and the only reason I really started writing this dumb article.

“Jerk” seasoning hails from Jamaica, home of the Rastas, who hail Haile Selassie, who’s actually Ethiopian. It’s this whole thing and it’s kind of a long story. But the point is…. I can’t really remember.

Oh, Jerk Chicken. The BBQ seasoning of Jamaica.

So, if you want to treat your pain-in-the-ass pal to a delicious plate of spicy, sweet, nutmeg-ish chicken, this is your go-to dish.

You can even order them a side of Jerk-ollard greens to go with it...

Make your jerky pal yell "Jamaican me hungry!" with this Jerk Chicken recipe from FoodandWine

2. Beef Jerky

When it comes to Jerks, you can actually replace the “s” with a “y” and enter a world of deliciousness that can accompany any jerk for a very long time. You can thank the preserved nature of cured meat.

Beef Jerky takes the concept of putting salt on something to cure it and takes it to a whole different level.

And that level is… Beef Jerky.

You know American folk heroes like that huge lumberjack guy with the axe and thick black beard? They ate the same stuff way-back-when that can still be enjoyed to this very day.

What’s that lumberjacks name anyway… Bruce Banner? Bruce Bunyan? Something like that.

Give your friend the jerky gift of a Monthly Beef-Jerky Subscription from JerkyGent

3. Gherkins

Now, not specifically “jerk related”, but there is that one phrase that goes “jerkin’ your gherkin”, which I believe is a popular euphemism to describe the process of pickling cucumbers.

Ya see, when you leave cucumbers in salty water for long enough you are often left with pickles as a result. But if the cucumbers are super small, you get cute little gherkins.

You don’t care that much do you?

You just want jerky stuff for you and your stupid jerky pal.

Ya know… I wonder just how many people are gonna land on this article from googling “Jerk off to hot locals” or “Girl (of legal age) jerks off [insert subject]” or “Desperate guy jerks a [insert animal]”.

Well, they’re sure in for a tasty treat. Because much like semen, gherkins are sweet, salty, and rich in vitamin c (and I know none of that from personal experience).

And they even stave off scurvy, which is why sailors used to felate each-other so often (It wasn’t for the thrilling taboo of Trans-Atlantic closet homosexuality.)

Send your non sea-faring non-sailor friend some scurvy-staving Gherkins & Pickles from McClure's

4. Spotted Dick

If you’re anything like me, you actually prefer calling jerks “dicks”. But I couldn’t find any food that anyone would actually eat or give to their friend with the word “dick” in it. Except for “Spotted Dick”, of course.

Spotted Dick is far more appetising than it might sound at first…

It’s actually a delicious sweet British pudding made with dried fruit and usually served with flowing white custard. They shoulda called it “Splooshing Dick”, but whatever. Not my field of expertise.

In fact, “dick” was a term used to refer to dough back in the day, while spotted is a reference to the fruits found throughout the pudding.

I still think “Splooshing Dick” woulda been a hit though.

Make your friend chow down on some Splooshing Dick with this delicious recipe from BBC

5. Shrimp Cocktail

Alright, I mean, at this point you’re probably wondering why I didn’t just call this article “5 Foods That Bare Some Reference To Penis In Some Way”, but that’s not very Google-search friendly.

But in at number 5 is the Shrimp Cocktail (cock being the operative word).

And much like the start to a good night, this famous starter dish is served in a stemmed cocktail or wine glass.

You see, in the 1920’s Prohibition came and made alcohol illegal in America. So every restaurant across the country had a bunch of glassware they had no use for.

Enter the Shrimp Cocktail; Succulent cooked shrimp served with a zesty mix of “cocktail sauce”; worcestershire, chilli, lemon juice, ketchup and mayo, in a fancy stemmed glass.

There has never been a better time to be a limp shrimp for the American Masses.

Get your friends dickish lips around a big ol' Cock… tail of Shrimps with this recipe from Foodnetwork

And there you have it. No matter which food you go with, remember to tell your favorite jerk in your life that even with all their jerk-ish ways, you still can’t get enough of them.

After all, in some ways, Jerks kind of make the world go round…

You can’t have good without evil, just like you can’t have do-gooders without jerks.

Show them some appreciation and treat them to a jerk-friendly dish of your choice.

But, the next time they bail on your plans last minute, it’s over for real.



© 2020 by Ori Amir

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