• The Cynic

5 Ways To Cope With Having A Double-Chin



If you’re a total moron, you woke up one day and suddenly realized you had a double-chin. For all you know it could have always been there. Or you’ve been letting yourself go and hadn’t noticed until now.

Either way, you did what you think anyone else would do. You asked Google to solve your problems. You probably typed in something like “how to lose your double-chin”, or “double-chin fat burning exercise”.

Now, notice I’ve been using the word “you” a lot. I’m not actually talking about you whatsoever. I’m just misdirecting the fact that all of the above was actually me and I’m a total moron. Because the fact is, there's no such thing as fat-burning exercises directed at double-chins. Or any part of the body, for that matter.

So what's the next step?

1. Focus on the fact that you are alive

Whether or not you have a double-chin doesn’t really matter if you’re dead right? So embrace the fact that you are alive to witness it at all. You’re in a great position. You can see the rippling waves under your jawline. You can feel the wobbles when you’re prancing around the street. You could not do ANY of this if you were dead. So, while you’re at it, why not really get a good look at it?

See your undesirable double-chin in full detail with this magnifying bathroom mirror.

2. Remind Yourself That It’s Just Temporary.

It may or may not be true, but if you just tell yourself it'll go away on its own, you can start to worry about other things you don’t like about yourself instead. And then all you have to do is tell yourself those problems will go away, too. Rinse and repeat... Eventually you will rid yourself of all your body-image issues, until they come back to haunt you later. So why not just laugh it all away?

Find out how laughing away your problems could be very therapeutic.

3. Ask Your Mom If It’s As Bad As You Think

If your mom is anything like mine, she’ll assure you that A. You’re a cutie patootie whether you do or don’t have a double-chin, and B. There’s more to you than your chubby face. Like, your chubby thighs for instance. Or your chubby hips... And THEN she’ll weigh you down with questions like “Is this why you’re still single? Are you self conscious?” Or, “Is THIS why you’re home all the time? Are you lacking the self confidence to go out into the world and make something of yourself?”

No Mom… Yes Mom. GOSH. Stop bringing my deepest insecurities to the surface damnit. I’m trying to write a compelling article.

Talk to a NON-Jewish e-Mom to comfort and console you on your issues for free.

4. Consider The Pros And Cons Of Having A Double-Chin

Right off the bat, having a double-chin can seem like a downgrade to an otherwise pristine face. And while that is totally the case, there are some hidden perks to having a double-chin you probably didn’t even think about. For example, when you are lying down and your double-chin is really pushed out, you’re effectively creating a mini fat-shield that will ward off mini-attackers like ants, your cats paw, prodding fingers and the like. This may be a blessing in disguise, and you should make the most of it.

Let your friends test out the effectiveness of your necks mini fat-shield with this finger-squirrel toy.

5. Imagine You Are Living In The 1500’s

By today's beauty standards, plumpness is only celebrated in certain areas of the body. To my knowledge, the neck isn’t one of them... unless you’re looking to mate with someone frog or turkey-like. Otherwise, it's slim-pickins. So, just imagine it’s the middle ages, and any sign of excess fat is actually a sign of higher status, wealth, and even nobility.

YOU ARE NOBLE. And all you had to do was eat a little too much cheesecake over the summer. Pat yourself on your flabby back, mi'lord.

Find a Renaissance Fair in your area, and live out your noble fantasy with courage and dignity.

If you've gone through all these steps and STILL feel like you'd rather NOT have a double-chin and actually want to do something about it,


Then check out my article on...

How A Coke Overdose Could Extend Your Lifespan

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© 2020 by Ori Amir

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